Plotting the Most Unfortunate Downfall of Mr Black
by Seadragon
Summary: Sirius is bored. So... The Marauders and Lily start a school wide game of Partners Hide and Seek! Not willingly of course... [Chapter Three is officially... UP!]
1. The Beginning of the End

"LILYKINS!"  
  
"Sirius, how many times have I told you not to call me that?"  
  
"Oh right, only JAMESY can call you that." Sirius grinned.  
  
"NO! No one can call me that, and if they do." Lily trailed off, leaving it to Sirius's imagination, which, no doubt, was a mistake.  
  
Sirius gasped. "NO! You wouldn't do that to l'il old ME!"  
  
"Actually."  
  
Sirius scowled. "You red-heads are all the same. But-" His annoying grin was back. "Lilykins, I'm bor-red!"  
  
"Don't call me- Oh never mind, there's no point. You'll call me that anyways wont you?"  
  
"Glad to see you're catching on! But as I was saying. I'm bor-red!"  
  
Lily rolled her eyes up to heaven and started to pray.  
  
"So-o. What do you want me to do about it?"  
  
"Well. Now that you mention it. I want to play Partners Hide and Seek, but Remus said you need an odd number of people to play! And, well, there are only four of us. So, will you play Lily? Ple-e-e-ase?!"  
  
"Sirius Black, You must be crazy, I wouldn't play a game with you and your little gang if my life depended on it."  
  
"Well."  
  
Sirius raised his eyebrows suggestively.  
  
Once again, Lily began to pray.  
  
"Not your life, but maybe your sanity?" Sirius said a little too innocently.  
  
"What does that mean Black?!" Lily demanded.  
  
"If you don't play, dearest Lilykins, I don't believe I shall leave you alone."  
  
"Ever."  
  
"Oh dear god, not that! Fine, whatever, I'll play. Who's my partner?" Lily said with resignation.  
  
"Well."  
  
"I'm beginning to hate that word." Lily grumbled.  
  
"Can't say I blame you." Sirius said, still sporting his idiotic grin.  
  
Lily rested her head on the table, then proceeded to whack it on the wood, many times.  
  
"LILYKINS! What in the name of pranks are you doing?!" Sirius shouted, quite loudly, and with extreme girlishlyness.  
  
Girlishlyness?  
  
That wasn't word.  
  
This was getting dangerous.  
  
"What in the name of PRANKS?"  
  
"Pranks."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because pranks are my god, y'know?"  
  
"No, I really don't."  
  
"But back to the partner issue. You promise to play?" Sirius asked sweetly.  
  
"Er, sure." Lily said reluctantly.  
  
"Say it."  
  
"I promise to play Partners Hide and Seek."  
  
"I'm sorry, I can't hear you!" Sirius said in a singsong voice.  
  
"Black, kindly close your mouth before I close it permanently!"  
  
"Ooo, touchy."  
  
"I'm warning you."  
  
"Really? Wow! I've never been WARNED before."  
  
Lily sighed. Then decided that she would kill herself next time Sirius decided he was bored. Which was probably a lot safer than playing one of his games.  
  
"Now will you leave me alone?!"  
  
"No, its time to play! We have to get everyone to play!"  
  
"Everyone?" Lily said slowly.  
  
"Everyone."  
  
"Black, I am this close to killing you."  
  
"Ooo, vicious. Remind me not to tick off a redhead again."  
  
"Will do."  
  
"Everyone as in the whole school?"  
  
"Everyone as in the whole school." Sirius confirmed, getting ready to make his get away.  
  
"But- But that'll go on for hours!"  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
Lily started to get that evil glint in her eyes. Sirius winced.  
  
"BLACK I'M GONNA KILL YOU! THEN I'LL BRING YOU BACK TO LIFE AND KILL YOU AGAIN!"  
  
"Run away!"  
  
~  
  
A few hours later, Lily had calmed down enough for Sirius to stop running, but he still stepped warily around her.  
  
"Lily, have you ever considered a little thing I like to call anger management?"  
  
"Sirius, I am not going to kill right now. But if you keep it up, you'll be six feet under before you can say 'oops?'. So I would watch your step.  
  
Sirius grinned his grin and grabbed her arm. "Come along Lilykins, breakfast time! Then we can make our announcement!"  
  
Lily followed him muttering something that sounded suspiciously like 'kill him'. Sirius decided it was probably safer to walk behind her.  
  
"Lilykins."  
  
"Sirius."  
  
"Why don't you like James?"  
  
"Because he is an egoistic annoying part who dates girls for five minutes and dumps them like trash (though some of them admittedly fit into the 'trash' category) who thinks he is king of Hogwarts-"  
  
"Prince of Gryffindor."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"No, really."  
  
"Quiet."  
  
"And he has no respect for anyone and thinks they should bow down to him-"  
  
"Because they do."  
  
"Would you shut up?"  
  
"Just speaking the truth, someone has to."  
  
"You and your twisted 'truths'!"  
  
"Why don't you ask him sometime?"  
  
And that left Lily at a loss for words, for about ten seconds.  
  
"Sirius, you have bothered me enough, can you not just shut up until we get to the Great Hall?"  
  
"."  
  
"Well?"  
  
"."  
  
"You are the most annoying person I have ever met!" She paused for a second. "Except for James." She added as an afterthought.  
  
"Except for James."  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"."  
  
"Good boy."  
  
"Woof."  
  
"Quiet."  
  
"Jeez." Sirius mumbled. "Its bad enough to have one member of royalty ordering around without YOU adding to it!"  
  
Lily decided it was probably safer not to say anything. Much safer, actually, when Sirius was in one of his 'moods'. He had worse mood swings than Petunia for goodess sakes!  
  
"Lilykins?"  
  
"Yes Black?" She decided she should probably TRY to be civil for the time being, because, soon enough, she would be kicking his scrawny little ass.  
  
Yes. His ass was scrawny.  
  
And no, she didn't look.  
  
It just sounded good.  
  
You understand, right?  
  
I'm sure you do.  
  
"We aren't a gang."  
  
"What the hell?"  
  
"We aren't a gang. We don't attack people!"  
  
"Yes. Yes you do."  
  
"No!"  
  
"So, you curse Snape because he likes it?"  
  
"Yup!"  
  
"I'm sure."  
  
"Yup."  
  
"You need help."  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Sirius?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"What's wrong with you?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Sirius?"  
  
"."  
  
"SIRIUS!"  
  
"."  
  
"Whatever. Lets just get to breakfast so we can get this over with."  
  
"."  
  
"Why did I let you trick me into playing this game? With the entire school?!"  
  
"."  
  
"I mean, this game will take hours! Days even!  
  
"."  
  
"We probably will fall asleep playing it. Then wake up and continue playing for days more! It'll be longer than that one Quidditch game when James grabbed the snitch from right under the Slytherin Seeker, literly."  
  
Why was she even bothering?  
  
It wasn't like he was actually listening!  
  
Then, Lily was struck with a stroke of genius!  
  
"So, yesterday, James and I snogged for three hours."  
  
"."  
  
Damn, there goes that plan out the window.  
  
It was a good one too.  
  
It wasn't like she was EVER going to kiss James.  
  
Even to drive Sirius insane.  
  
Because she didn't like James.  
  
Really.  
  
But everyone knew that.  
  
Because it was true.  
  
Really.  
  
Never mind.  
  
"Sirius, what in the name of pranks are you doing?!"  
  
"Ha!"  
  
Lily groaned.  
  
She had said that to make him stop annoying her.  
  
Really.  
  
It wasn't like she said that by accident.  
  
Really.  
  
Just like she didn't like James.  
  
Really.  
  
But she had to be careful anyways. She didn't want him getting to her head. And that could be very dangerous.  
  
Very, very dangerous.  
  
Really.  
  
She was almost as crazy as him now anyways! But who wouldn't be if you were friends with the Marauders! Which was even more dangerous than two Siriuses.  
  
Really.  
  
Actually, that one really was true. Not that all of them weren't.  
  
Really.  
  
I mean, TWO Siriuses? Perish the thought. The world wasn't quite ready for that!  
  
A world could never be ready for that.  
  
It was worse than two Jameses.  
  
Almost.  
  
She didn't like James.  
  
Really. 


	2. Death Wishes and Stupid Villains

 "Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there-" Long pause… "Now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"No."

"How about… NOW?"

"GOD DAMN IT BLACK! SHUT UP!"

"Now Lilykins, it doesn't do anyone any good to lose your temper. Remember this CTTATADB."

"Do I want to know?"

"Doesn't matter, I'm gonna tell you anyway! Count To Ten And Take A Deep Breath! Now repeat after me. Count To Ten And Take A Deep Breath."

Lily made strangling motions in the air.

"No! You must CTTATADB!"

"Black, if you want to live to play this stupid little game, I advise YOU SHUT YOUR STUPID MOUTH!"

"Ouch, it bites."

"Grr…"

Luckily for Lily, Sirius decided the next bit of tor- I mean fun, could wait until they arrived in the Mess Hall. Thankfully, the rest of the journey progressed in silence, or Lily would have arrived in the Mess Hall alone, Sirius's broken body laying somewhere underneath a very high window.

Upon their arrival to the Mess Hall, Lily tried to discreetly run away, screaming for help. Needless to say, Sirius didn't notice. Until…

"AHH! MY LEG! YOU STUPID BASTARD!"

Lily and James had run into each other. Literally. And Sirius finally noticed Lily was not next to him, making constant death threats.

He walked over to her and tapped her shoulder. When she turned around, he clamped his arm around hers, and dragged her away, kicking and screaming. Again, literally.

"'Scuse me professor, have an announcement to make!"

"Black, where the hell do you think you are going?" Professor McGonagall said warningly.

"UP! And remember professor, CTTATADB!"

Before she could stop him, he jumped onto the teachers' table, still grabbing hold of Lily. 

"EXCUSE ME FELLOW STUDENTS AND HONORABLE PROFESSORS."

Lily groaned.

"I AM DELIGHTED TO ANNOUNCE A SCHOOL WIDE GAME OF PARTNERS HIDE AND SEEK! ANYONE WHO DOES NOT PLAY… WELL, LET'S JUST SAY IT WON'T BE PRETTY!"

And that kind of threat from a Marauder was taken pretty seriously. No pun intended.

"NOW GET INTO PARTNERS, WE WILL DO THE REST!"

Lily sighed. This was going to be ugly. I mean, an entire school, playing one game! She mentally resigned herself to never ever sleeping again. She jumped down from the table and wandered back to her friend May.

"I swear to god this wasn't my idea!"

May laughed. "Come on, it could be fun!"

"Speak for yourself. Sirius Black isn't choosing your partner!"

"Oh. That could be bad..."

"Really? I hadn't fucking noticed!"

"Lilykins, were you not listening to me? CTTATADB. It's the only way." Sirius said in a singsong voice.

"No, how about this. STFUASYAUYA!"

"What does that stand for?"

May sighed. "I can only imagine..."

"Shut The Fuck Up And Shove Your Anagram Up Your Ass!"

"No thanks!" Sirius said brightly. "Hey May." He giggled. "Wanna be my partner?"

"Sure. Whatever."

"What did you just say?" Lily said slowly and deliberately. "Are you crazy? Do you have a death wish?!" She demanded.

"Sure whatever. Not that I know of, but most likely because I hang out with you. And, tell my parents I love them. Ya, I think that's about right." May said thoughtfully. "Why?"

"Because you just agreed to be Sirius Black's partner!" Lily rolled back her sleeve and shoved her wrist against May's forehead. "Hmm, no fever, that's curious. Must be hallucinations or something" She muttered.

May brushed her hand away with a laugh. "I'm FINE Lily."

"Sure. Whatever."

"That's what I said."

Lily sighed. "Alright Black, which idiot am I to be paired up with?"

"Er..."

"LILYKINS!"

"Dear god no." Lily moved slowly towards Sirius, arms outstretched, a maniac expression on her face.

"NO LILY! CTTATADB!"

"Sirius. Shut up if you know what's good for you." Lily growled.

"Oh dearie me..."

"Lily! No! You can't kill him! McGonagall's watching!" May protested.

Lily looked behind her, hands closing around Sirius's neck. "May, she's smiling. _And waving for me to continue. I don't think she'll hold this against me."_

"True, it kinda looks like she'll worship you, not give you detention for the rest of your life." May admitted. "Better go on."

"How could you May? You just signed my death sentence!"

"Sorry. Bt you kind of deserved it."

"_Kind of?!" Lily growled. "HE PAIRED ME WITH POTTER! HE'S JUST LUCKY I'M NOT USING HIM FOR TARGET PRACTICE!"_

"Really Lilykins, CTT etc, etc, isn't going to do it's self."

Bad timing Sirius.

Now, Lily didn't mean to turn him into a green and purple chicken with no head.

_Really_.

Sort of.

Okay, not really.

But you have to admit it did look funny.

Unfortunately, Professor McGonagall had to turn him back, though she really regretted it.

She did make sure to give Lily points though.

But if anyone asked, she helped a fellow student...

Really.

"Lilykins, I'm hurt."

"That's nice."

"How could you?"

"Quite easily actually."

"It wasn't very nice.

"I wasn't really going for nice there."

"I could pair you with someone really horrible."

"You already have."

"Lilykins... I could pair you with James!"

There was something to be said about stupid villains.

"Wait a second..."

"Take your time."

"Oops."

"You don't say?"

May shook her head, black hair falling into her face. "I'm beginning to think I just might be doomed..."

"Doomed? YOU'RE DOOMED?!"

May winced.


	3. What Are They Doing Here?

"Let the games begin!"

"I can't believe I let him talk me into this…" Lily muttered. She and James were standing in the crowd of all the Hogwarts students. Not a single one of them was as excited as Sirius, obviously. Actually, a couple looked like they were about to make an assassination attempt. Luckily for Sirius, that was when the game started. Sadly, he and May were going to be _it_, so people couldn't not play.

There was a mad dash as people ran for the best spots. Lily wasn't sure why they bothered, Sirius _was_ a Marauder, and the Marauders knew this school inside and out.

As for herself, she was on a team with a Marauder. The leader of the Marauders, no less. So, this could be interesting.

"So Lilykins, where do you want to hide?"

Scratch that. This was going to be pure hell.

Really.

"Why don't you tell me Potter? I'm not the one who roams the school in the middle of the night." She snapped.

They were the only ones left in the Great Hall, with the exception of May and Sirius, both of whom were sitting at the Gryffindor table with their heads on red and gold pillows. From here she could faintly hear numbers being muttered into the velvet.

She even managed a slight grin when Sirius draped his arm over May's shoulders and she whacked him over the head. James chuckled at the sight and then turned back to face her.

"True. Hmm… I know a couple places we could hide. But…"

"But what Potter?! If I have to play this stupid game I would prefer it if we weren't the first ones found!" Lily growled.

He nodded along to her words thoughtfully.

"Alright, I've got an idea. We need to make a detour on the way though. To the Gryffindor Tower!"

"To the Gryffindor Tower." Lily echoed glumly and settled for walking behind her life long enemy. She tried as hard as she could to ignore him, but, it is very hard to ignore a teenage boy who was skipping down a hallway singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow. She shuddered and put her hands over her ears.

"Edgar the Unsanitary!" James shouted out cheerfully to the Fat Lady, who gave him a weird look before swinging open to admit them. With a suppressed sigh Lily followed him.

And promptly had a heart attack.

Sitting in her favorite chair by the fire, was Lucius Malfoy, and beside him, on a red couch, was Severus Snape. They didn't seem too preoccupied with hiding. She figured that they hoped they would be found soon so they could get this over with.

What surprised her even more was the fact that James saw them, gave them a cheery wave and bounded up the staircase to the Boys Dormitories. He motioned for her to follow him. As she didn't want to be stuck alone with two Slytherins, she complied, albeit reluctantly.

She stepped into the sixth year's dorm room and fought back the urge to gag. It stunk to the high heavens. Lily wasn't really surprised, considering who lived in the room. There were clothes, and books, and prank supplies flung everywhere. Just to stand in the room she had to shift three layers of filth.

"Don't the house elves ever clean in here?!" She demanded, holding her nose with one hand.

"Nope." James said airily. "They got frightened off the second week into first year when they tried to sort out my trunk. Three or four of them had their eyebrows scorched off. They haven't been back since. We think they clean it every summer." He was digging through his trunk wildly, spreading even more stuff everywhere.

Lily cringed and gave up trying to ward of the stink, nothing worked. She lowered her hand to her side with a sigh of defeat and looked around. There was garbage, more garbage, a dungbomb or two, and, you guessed it, some more garbage.

"Aha!" He exclaimed. He pulled a wrinkled piece off parchment from the pocket of an extremely wrinkled cloak that looked like it hadn't seen the light of day for quite sometime now. He looked at the cloak curiously. "I wonder how it got there…"

"What exactly is _it_ Potter?" She asked wearily. "Why the hell did we come here for a worthless piece of old parchment?"

He held a hand over his heart. "Lilykins! How could you say that?! This is much more than a worthless piece of old parchment! Observe." He held out the ragged parchment and pointed his wand at it. "I solemnly swear I am up to no good!"

Lily watched in amazement as lines spread rapidly across the page.

"What the hell is that thing?" She breathed, still watching.

"This, my dear Lilykins, is the Marauders Map. And we are going to use it to win this game!"


End file.
